I have a very convincing story about why I am fine alone. I do not need people. I am self-sufficient. I process internally. I am introverted and that is valid.
All of that is true. And all of it has also been armor.
The honest version: I am afraid of needing people who might leave. So I leave first, or I keep them at a distance that feels like closeness but has no real access to me.
My therapist asked me once, "Who would you call at 3am if everything fell apart?" and I realized I had carefully arranged my life so that no one had that kind of access to me. And I had called that arrangement strength.
It is not strength. It is loneliness wearing the clothes of independence.
I am working on it. Slowly. It is some of the hardest work I have ever done because it requires trusting people I cannot fully control, which is the most terrifying thing I know.
All of that is true. And all of it has also been armor.
The honest version: I am afraid of needing people who might leave. So I leave first, or I keep them at a distance that feels like closeness but has no real access to me.
My therapist asked me once, "Who would you call at 3am if everything fell apart?" and I realized I had carefully arranged my life so that no one had that kind of access to me. And I had called that arrangement strength.
It is not strength. It is loneliness wearing the clothes of independence.
I am working on it. Slowly. It is some of the hardest work I have ever done because it requires trusting people I cannot fully control, which is the most terrifying thing I know.
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