On Sundays I am in the front row. I lead the prayer team. People call me a spiritual role model.
Monday through Saturday I am a completely different person. Drinking, lying, sleeping with someone I know I should not be sleeping with. Making decisions I would never admit to in that building.
I don't think I am a hypocrite in the way people usually mean it. I genuinely believe when I am in that building. The faith is real in that moment. But so is the other version of me, and the two have never been able to find each other.
Part of me keeps going because I need the community. Part of me keeps going because I am afraid of who I become if I stop entirely. Part of me keeps going hoping that one Sunday something will finally click and the gap between who I am and who I'm supposed to be will close.
It has been six years. The gap has not closed.
I don't know what that means. But I needed to say it somewhere.
Monday through Saturday I am a completely different person. Drinking, lying, sleeping with someone I know I should not be sleeping with. Making decisions I would never admit to in that building.
I don't think I am a hypocrite in the way people usually mean it. I genuinely believe when I am in that building. The faith is real in that moment. But so is the other version of me, and the two have never been able to find each other.
Part of me keeps going because I need the community. Part of me keeps going because I am afraid of who I become if I stop entirely. Part of me keeps going hoping that one Sunday something will finally click and the gap between who I am and who I'm supposed to be will close.
It has been six years. The gap has not closed.
I don't know what that means. But I needed to say it somewhere.
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